Thursday, August 15, 2013

Do Not Read Before Dinner

I am not a sporty person. Yes, I do swim laps, and run and joined a couple of marathon or two here, but generally I am not a sporty person. I realized that when in my Elementary days, I joined the track and field but lost all my runs. They entered me as a shot-putter but I was too skinny. I tried high jump and long jump, both failed. In my adult life i found ways to slink off my colleagues football invitations (it's big here in SG), and even if I'm standing 5'10, I'm useless in basketball. I dunno why but I guess I'm not giving my all, I'm always playing safe. Afraid to be injured.

I remember my high school classmate breaking his arm in one of of our basketball game. It was so bad that his arms have to be casted away.

And when you have a broken arm, there aren't many choices for you in your life. You wipe your ass and you put the food in your mouth with the same hand, same fingers, and same fingernails.

I can just imagine how he washes his ass with a single hand.

You know how most of us isn't contented with just a wipe of a tissue. Wipe and Go never work out for me. I never feel clean without the feel of soap and water in my ass after taking a dump.  It's kind of hard with me if I go with one hand. Like I said, it's a process so I need the other hand to pour the water and then the other hand to wash the poos away from the hole. It's similar to the union of body and soul: The union of left and right hand, soap, lather, pour, rinse, smile. It's not a big deal if I smile after I take a dump, it's self-fulfillment after all.

I just can't sleep thinking about it, so tonight, I tried washing with only my right hand. No I didn't take a dump, I just tried washing. First, I wet my hand and bubble it up with soap. Then gently soap my ass with my bubble hand. Afterwards I pour water slowly, wash it up, pour again, wash, and pour water again, until the soapy slippery feeling is no more.

But.... What will happen if there is  shit clogging at the entry of your asshole? That's where the trouble begins. You have to scrape it especially if its a sticker type of dump, because there IS actually no way that you could shake that off even if you get jiggy or wiggly with it. And even if you furiously tried doing that hole thing, like you make it blink or something (just like what the chicks -- chicken offspring, animal, fowl, et. al, get the picture?-- do when you blow their bottoms, it's like MOMOMOMOM kind of movement, like it's blinking)  there's no way that you could make tiny piece of shit drop.

So you have to scrape it. With two or three of your fingers. With your yet to be un-clipped fingernails.

So after you scrape it, you again go back to process of taking the soap, lather, pour, wash, so and so and so, and it's tiring for a single-handed person, don't you think? And at the end of the day you still have to eat with one hand. Yes, there are utensils, but what are you gonna do if you're eating shrimp or a very bony bangus?

So every time you meet a one-arm-casted-person. Be wary on shaking their hands.

Also, for some reason this post that was meant to be a lamentation about my lack of sporting abilities, somehow transmuted on a rant about shit. I hate writing free-flow, I should practice drafting my entries first.

This is a cocoon that fell from a branch, but it looks like shit. So Yeah.

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