Friday, December 30, 2011

A Repost from an Old Old Old Blog of Mine.

This is just a repost. I saw an old blog of mine, way back 2003. A year before I graduate college. I am blushing because of shame when i read it because of the obvious teenage angst during those times and I think I was having somekind of emotional turmoil going on. I even forgot that I have this list! (which I eventually didn't heed)
Added some comments and edited what doesn't apply anymore.

Qualification Checklist to be Millionmonk's Girlfriend
(QCTBMG for short)

Below is my previously super-secret list of qualities to look for in a girlfriend. Since I have given up dating, I believe that this, like the previously top-secret research about the atomic bomb, may now be disseminated throughout the public domain with little consequence.

1. Above Average Intelligence

This is the most important quality for me, and it unfortunately makes my pool of potentials that much smaller. (Please don't interpret that as a sexist remark, I believe there are a lot of stupid males out there too; of course, what concerns me is the stupid females, but i guess that goes without saying.) I know that that sounds a bit restrictive, but I'm quite sure I wouldn't be happy with a girlfriend with an IQ of a truck driver, so there.

2. Low to Below Average Volume Levels
This is a good way to curb #1, because a lot of the smart girls I met initially were, shall we say, "loud whining bitches," which I found annoying to say the least. I'm always wary about girls that can't stop talking because I feel like they'll suddenly just pass out on the floor at any minute, and I will be expected to drag their loud whining bitch asses to the hospital. I read somewhere that a girl's average number of spoken-words-per-day is about 10,000, while a guy's is about a third of that.
Also, soft-spoken girls have the added bonus of being very easy to introduce to your parents ... as opposed to a "loud whining bitch", of course.

3. Humorous
That is, "having a sense of humor", and NOT "having a humorous appearance". I go for Wit rather than Slapstick in the humor department. I'm especially into racist and other forms of mean, politically-incorrect humor, but I draw the line at girls who actually prefer Guy Humor. I'd like that she could take a few raunchy jokes here and there without being offended, but as soon as she hunkers down and laughs about cock smoking with my friends, I'm outta there.

** Almost ignored this i guess. My girlfriend is the anthropological representation of the word "grouch" But nevertheless, it's always feels nice to make her laugh. ***

4. Sweet like Country-Style Maple Syrup

This is beginning to sound like a lonely hearts column, so I won't dwell on this quality too much. All the humor and wit in the world won't matter if you aren't cuddle-able, so there.

5. Knows What Works
This is the only quality that has something to do with appearance. I like girls that know how to look nice in context. For example, I don't go for girls who go to school with a lot of make-up on because I don't really think it's appropriate. I also don't like girls who try to wear tight clothes when they're tubby. It's all about what makes you look good and what is appropriate for the situation and above all, knowing the difference between Too little, Too much, and Just Plain Wrong.

6. Isn’t a Debate-Whore
This is another quality that I notice among smart and/or humorous girls. They tend to second-guess you at every opportunity, probably due to some insane, overpowering need to remind you of their smart and/or humorous personality. See, once I have made certain that a girl meets requirement #1, I no longer need to be reminded of that fact, especially Not Every Goddamned Minute for chrissakes.

Even small things like, if this particular episode of Friends has been aired before or not, becomes a subject of extreme dispute. I happen to feel very strongly about this quality, because I’m the sort of person who will not get into an argument unless I absolutely have to. Instead, I will be driven mad by the idea that I could’ve won that argument if I had tried, except I didn’t. Because I’m a loser.

** another one of the ignored rule. It's been a constant "debate" with her :P

7. Not Afraid to Experiment
You can interpret this one any way you want.

8. Loyal Like a Puppy
I'm really big on loyalty and fidelity, for personal reasons, and I expect the same from a girlfriend. People show loyalty in different ways and it's hard to really categorically say if a person is loyal or not. A girlfriend who can happily spend hours on end talking to other guys about their life or their job or how wide she can spread her legs, would make me really suspicious, to say the least. I don't believe in blind loyalty however. Use your head, by all means. It's a relationship, not a marriage.

9. Doesn't need big musckles
This is more of a cosmetic requirement. You only need 1 muscle to please a woman anyway.
... Well, 2, counting your tongue.

10. Appreciates the Details
This is the last requirement, and it's coincidentally something I look for in friends as well. I don't like people who live life in fast-forward, whose only definitions of success are where you've been and what you've done and who you know. There is so much beauty and humor and silliness in everyday life that a lot of people never stop to appreciate, and I find that to be a real waste. All you have to do is walk around and look.

*** To any girl who fits _all_ of these qualities, you're too late, sorry. Maybe in another lifetime. ***

Thursday, December 22, 2011


Zombies. I have been dreaming about those undead lately. Last night I woke up with a start when I dreamt about zombies in our neighborhood (specifically Tramo St) chasing me because of my magic shoes. My body clock says it’s 4am. Don’t ask me how I know. I just know. I tried to sleep again and forced my mind into happier and pleasant things. It settled on a dream about me dancing Usher’s Yeah in Dance Central 2. I feel exalted because I’m nearing 5 stars and following the routine perfectly and well, because this is my dream. But then suddenly, before the last part, the music started shifting to the beats of Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Thisiscrazyshit I tell you. Thefuckingzombieswontleave me. I find myself suddenly inside the hospital tied on a bed. Supposedly, like Inception it was a dream within a dream and I was dreaming of dancing while I’m tied into a CT scan something.

Next thing I knew, I was struggling because the doctor was a zombie bent on eating my brains. I ran again with my magic shoes that makes me run exactly at 6.1 seconds per 100 meter, but found out that it’s the shoes that draws them into me and I have to untie the shoestrings to break the spell.

Then my cellphone/alarm clocked turned off and I have to reach it to snooze. I pressed a button and was momentarily blinded by the screen. I wanted to “snooze” again but the freaking light woke me up.

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